It took 15 years of planning, dreaming, scheming and researching to buy our farm. I had wanted a farm for much, much longer than that. As far back as 10 years old I was drawing barn ideas and pasture plans while in school. Seeing that dream finally come true was….
What?! Am I insane? Quite possibly.
You see, when you work that hard for that long to achieve one simple goal. When everything always led to this one moment. When all your energy, all your decisions, all your major life choices were made in such a way as to lead you here and then it happens, well there is a part of you that goes Now What Do I Do?
Or maybe that’s just me. I’m driven. I work hard to get what I want. I don’t stop until I do.
Last year I took all that energy and put it into working the farm. Mowing the pastures obsessively, keeping the barn gleaming, trimming fence line, edging, moving fence lines. I threw myself into being the best farm manager I could possibly be until I started to resent it. Started to burn out.
The winter was a blessing. It was so darn wet and cold that nothing could be done. Last fall’s tall grasses in rested pastures couldn’t be cut. Fence lines couldn’t be weed whacked. Plans to fertilize the big pasture were forced on hold until we hear from Duke so as to avoid wasting money on a condemned part of the property. Everything came to a halt and I could breathe again.
This year, as the pastures dry out and the spring grass comes in, I have vowed to stop. I am allowing myself to have an imperfect farm in order to enjoy this dream of mine. I mowed the big pasture Sunday and looked around at the sheer immensity that keeping up 30 acres of grass with only 3 horses grazing truly is. Our grass is hearty and grows year round. Something always needs mowed.
But I love it. I love the lay of our land. I love the barn and the old windmill. I love the well house and the fishing pond. I love seeing my horses out my windows. Saturday I spent the day sick on the couch and I looked up as Hubby walked Gem back to the pasture after dinner.
There was my horse walking down my winding driveway to eat grass out of my pasture. Everything I ever wanted.
This year I’m going to enjoy it. All of it. Yes I will still mow the pastures to maintain their health. Yes I will still clean the barn and fix fences. But not to the point of hating the one thing I’ve spent my entire life working for. The work can wait. Life and happiness can not.