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Allowing Myself To Enjoy It

It took 15 years of planning, dreaming, scheming and researching to buy our farm. I had wanted a farm for much, much longer than that. As far back as 10 years old I was drawing barn ideas and pasture plans while in school. Seeing that dream finally come true was….

Deflating.

What?! Am I insane? Quite possibly.

You see, when you work that hard for that long to achieve one simple goal. When everything always led to this one moment. When all your energy, all your decisions, all your major life choices were made in such a way as to lead you here and then it happens, well there is a part of you that goes Now What Do I Do?

Or maybe that’s just me. I’m driven. I work hard to get what I want. I don’t stop until I do.

The view from the top of the big pasture looking back towards the barn, arena and the house. The back pasture sweeps down hill away from the backside of the barn to the fishing pond.

Last year I took all that energy and put it into working the farm. Mowing the pastures obsessively, keeping the barn gleaming, trimming fence line, edging, moving fence lines. I threw myself into being the best farm manager I could possibly be until I started to resent it. Started to burn out.

The winter was a blessing. It was so darn wet and cold that nothing could be done. Last fall’s tall grasses in rested pastures couldn’t be cut. Fence lines couldn’t be weed whacked. Plans to fertilize the big pasture were forced on hold until we hear from Duke so as to avoid wasting money on a condemned part of the property. Everything came to a halt and I could breathe again.

This year, as the pastures dry out and the spring grass comes in, I have vowed to stop. I am allowing myself to have an imperfect farm in order to enjoy this dream of mine. I mowed the big pasture Sunday and looked around at the sheer immensity that keeping up 30 acres of grass with only 3 horses grazing truly is. Our grass is hearty and grows year round. Something always needs mowed.

The pure joy of looking up and seeing your beautiful horses grazing

But I love it. I love the lay of our land. I love the barn and the old windmill. I love the well house and the fishing pond. I love seeing my horses out my windows. Saturday I spent the day sick on the couch and I looked up as Hubby walked Gem back to the pasture after dinner.

There was my horse walking down my winding driveway to eat grass out of my pasture. Everything I ever wanted.

A week of no rain and a healthy dose of sunshine has made the grass start growing again. The bermuda mixed in the fields is still dormant and won’t come alive again until probably May.

This year I’m going to enjoy it. All of it. Yes I will still mow the pastures to maintain their health. Yes I will still clean the barn and fix fences. But not to the point of hating the one thing I’ve spent my entire life working for. The work can wait. Life and happiness can not.

14 thoughts on “Allowing Myself To Enjoy It”

  1. i’ve read before that the anticipation leading up to expected happiness is often more powerful than the actual event itself. in other words, we often are happier when *expecting* something good, than we are once it actually has happened. which is kinda a strange paradox. like you, tho, i have to be careful to balance the power of my anticipations with the reality of whatever my current situation is. bc yea, we have to enjoy it in the moment too!

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  2. Definitely important to take some time to enjoy things! I hate our winters, but it does give me a break from mowing, etc. Not much you can do when the snow is 2-3 feet deep. I also sprained my ankle this weekend, so I’m parked on the couch!

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  3. I cannot imagine how much work would go into having more than our little 5 acres, cuz for me it’s a full time job. Then again, we have no tractor so it’s all shovel by shovel, rake by rake. But seriously it taught me to never wish for more.

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  4. I know what you mean – it’s pretty anticlimatic finally achieving everything you worked hard for – that’s how finishing grad school and undergrad was for me. I’m glad that you are going to just sit back and enjoy what you got!

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